No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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