I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
