Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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