Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
