my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
