booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
being pregnant is like rehab
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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