mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
