i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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