Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he laminated a picture of his dick.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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