you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
