My first STD was from a foam party
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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