I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
time to smoke my breakfast
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
