Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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