Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
