You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
