Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
