this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
