Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
