my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
