one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
