I hate all girls vehemently.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
