the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
