I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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