I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
