Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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