he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
