I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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