Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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