if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
