I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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