meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
