tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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