he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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