dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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