How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
