At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
