Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do vagina's smell?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
