it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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