I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
