Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
