So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
