The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
