Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
