i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
