I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
