Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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