I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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