billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
