So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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