We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
