Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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