If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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