I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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