quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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