You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
